A first-date safety checklist

Most first dates are fine: a drink, a conversation, and either a spark or a polite goodbye. The checklist below is about making sure that's how yours goes. It applies whoever you are and whoever you're meeting.

The short version

If you only read one part, read this. It's the whole checklist in the order you'll use it.

Before you agree to meet

Spend ten minutes checking the person is who they say they are before you give up an evening. What members write about themselves isn't checked by the site, so this part is up to you.

• Read their profile again. Does what they've told you in messages match it? Small inconsistencies are worth noticing.
• Do a short video call. Five minutes confirms they're the person in the photos and gives you a feel for them. Repeated excuses are a warning sign.
• Search their photos. A reverse image search can show if the pictures belong to someone else or appear under other names.
• Watch for money. The Federal Trade Commission says that if someone you've never met in person asks for money, it's a scam, whatever the reason given. Gift cards, wire transfers, payment apps and cryptocurrency are the usual requests. Stop replying and report it at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.
• Keep your details back. Don't share your home address, workplace or surname until you've met and want to.

Setting it up

• Pick a busy public place you know: a bar, café or restaurant with staff and other people around. Not your home, theirs, or a hotel room.
• Choose a time that suits you, ideally one where you can leave without it being awkward. An early-evening drink is easier to end than dinner.
• Arrange your own transport there and back. Don't accept a ride from them on a first date.
• Tell a friend the person's name, profile, where you're going and when. Agree a check-in time, and what they'll do if they don't hear from you.
• Charge your phone, and know how you'll get home if plans change.

A check-in plan with your friend

Agree the plan before you go, so nobody has to improvise. Here's an example of the message you might send:

Example: "Meeting my date from Milf Buddy at the wine bar on Main St, 7pm. Profile screenshot attached. I'll text you by 8:30. If you don't hear from me by 9, call me, and if I don't pick up, call the bar."

Many phones also let you share your live location with one person for a set time. Turn it off once you're home.

On the date

• Keep an eye on your drink, and don't leave it unattended. If you feel suddenly much drunker than you should, tell staff and get help straight away.
• Know your limit. Staying fairly clear-headed means you can judge the situation and make your own choices.
• Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, leave. You don't need a reason. Staff at most bars will help if you ask.
• Check in with your friend at the agreed time.

Lines for leaving

You don't need an excuse, but having a line ready makes it easier. These are examples:

• "I've enjoyed this, but I'm going to call it a night."
• "I don't think we're a match, so I'll head off. Thanks for the drink."
• "I'm not comfortable, so I'm leaving now."

Consent, from the first drink onward

Consent is a clear, freely given yes to a specific act, and it can be withdrawn at any point, including halfway through. Agreeing to a date isn't agreeing to anything else. Agreeing to one thing isn't agreeing to the next. Someone who is very drunk can't give it.

If you're the one asking, ask, and listen to the answer. "Not tonight", "I'm not sure" and silence all mean no. Our safety and consent page explains this more fully, and the age-gap dating guide covers how consent and pace work when she's the older one.

If it goes further

If you decide together to take things further, go somewhere you can leave easily, and let your friend know you've moved on from the first venue. Bring condoms and use them. Sexually transmitted infections are common at every age; talk about testing before you stop using protection. The CDC's testing finder lists confidential, free and low-cost testing near you.

If a condom breaks, act within days, not weeks. The CDC says HIV post-exposure prophylaxis, or PEP, must be started within 72 hours of a possible exposure and taken daily for 28 days. A doctor, urgent care clinic or emergency room can prescribe it.

Afterwards

• Let your friend know you're home.
• Report the profile through the members help center if anything was wrong, with their username and what happened.
• Keep evidence: messages, profile screenshots, dates and times.

If something went wrong

Your safety comes first: get somewhere safe, then get support. In an emergency, call 911.

1. After a sexual assault, the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7 on 800-656-4673, by texting HOPE to 64673, or by online chat on RAINN's website. They can connect you with a local provider and explain your options, including a medical exam.
2. If a partner is abusive or controlling, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is on 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, 24/7.
3. If someone shares or threatens to share intimate images, don't pay and don't send more. The Cyber Civil Rights Initiative runs a US crisis helpline on 844-878-2274, and our safety page lists the other places to report.
4. If you lost money, contact your bank or card provider straight away, then report it at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.
5. Report the member through the members help center so the account can be looked at.

Related reading

The safety and consent page covers scams, image abuse and reporting in more depth. If you're still at the messaging stage, first messages that get replies is the place to start, and women over 35 will find profile and privacy advice in dating over 35 on your own terms. If you haven't joined yet, how it works explains what's free and what's paid.